Harry Potter and the Sarcastic Author
by The Social Leper
Summary: The Title Says it All. Especially for all you parody lovers!
1. Disclaimer

**Disclaimer / Authors Note!!!**

Greetings all, what you are about to read might seem a little edgy at times, and I personally (having written such a long bio) don't want to be shoved off fanfic.net, so: 

**I AM NOT JK ROWLING!!!!!**

OK?

Enjoy…..:op……=


	2. Hogwarts Express, oh what fun!

**Author Note:** Well this is my very first fic, I hope you like it. I didn't mean for this really to be funny so I don't care if you think it's awful, please don't take it too seriously or spout on about them being ooc (out of character).

**Dedicated to: **Anya wood (I hope you don't mind about the hippie thing, update!!!!!)

EVERYONE READ HER STORY; IT'S WAY BETTER THEN MINE!

**Disclaimer: **Hp (Harry Potter, not the brown sauce) is 100% Jk Rowling's (although many (including me) reckon she stole some of the ideas off other great authors). 

~

**Chapter 1: Onboard the Hogwarts Express, somewhere in the middle of England.**

Harry: So here I am, back on the train to my favourite place in the world: SCHOOL, and I can say that while still being incredible popular because I'm HARRY POTTER, local celebrity, wonder-boy and a sickeningly nice guy.

_(AN: Ego trip alert!!!)_

Harry: Hey shut up!

_(Hermione struts into the scene)_

Hermione: Hello all, it's me, and finally after 4 years of being the class know-it-all I've reformed, realised my outstanding lust for you Harry and discovered the L'Oreal counter at my local department store!

_(Flutters eyelids)_

_(Ginny appears)_

Ginny: Yeah but did you have to wear it all at once?

Hermione: You just don't understand, just _(dramatic pause) _because I'm worth it _(another dramatic pause) _and your not!

Ginny: Well at least I don't look like the crossbreed offspring of Christina Aguilera and a paintbrush.

Hermione: Why you little ugly Chinese stoat!

_(Starts hitting her with juicy tube lip-glosses)_

_(Ron appears)_

Ron: 'Lo all, I am the new and improved 'Shakespearian actor Ron' and to annoy everyone for no apparent reason I shall add '–eth' to the ends of words just to sound like a prick-eth! Fantastic-eth or what-eth?

_(Malfoy marches in)_

Malfoy: Oh get over yourself ginger nut.

Ron: How dare-eth you insult-eth my hair-eth colour when yours look-eth like you got your head accidentally-eth stuck in a car polishing-eth machine……-eth.

Malfoy: Oh do shut up………….

_(Black out involving a lot of weird wavy lines)_

Hermione: Oh dear, it seems some unknown evil villain with a strong dislike to the object of my affections has possessed the train.

Ginny: _(overly sarcastic)_ Gosh Hermione, whatever shall we do?

Malfoy: Brace yourselves readers, this is the part where she reports the excruciatingly long list of all the random books which she read, just by coincidence, over the holidays and will now remember, word perfect, how to get out of this situation!

Hermione: Well yes as a matter of fact, just by chance yesterday I was reading the 'Big Book Of Train Possessions' and on the 5th chapter, 4th line down, 3rd word in, 1st syllable it was mentioned but, stereotypically, I'm not going to tell you what it said until it's too late, gosh I'm smart! Did you know I have an extensive library of this sort of book and, even though, due to the fact they're muggles, my parents shouldn't know about the amazing 'world of witchcraft and wizardry,' every summer I somehow manage to get to Diagon alley and buy large amounts of random books which just manage to fit in perfectly with whatever happens in the coming year! 

Ginny: Oh do shut up!

Malfoy: Yes mudbood, if you are really that smart then tell me what I'm about to say… _(Smug grin)_

Hermione: Well, in 'Malfoy, common quotes, habits and facial expressions' (which I just happened to be reading on the way to the station), your most common phrase in this situation was 'Crabbe, Goyle, beat them up.' _(Even smugger grin)_

Malfoy: Ha wrong, in fact I was planning to say 'God I'm hungry, I wonder where that slave of a woman is with the sweets trolley' but good guess all the same.

Harry: Erm, reality check, can we PLEASE get back to the matter in hand? If Voldemort's possessed the train then where's he going to take us?

(Cue creepy voice over with A LOT of diffused green light, a very eerie feeling and a smell a bit like window cleaner)

Voldemort: Well, I'm taking you to my favourite place in the world…

(AN: Brace yourselves for something very ooc, Anya Wood this is especially for you.)

…my groovy, pshycadelic, Austin Powers-esc love pad!

_(AN: See what I mean, apologies all round.)_

Harry: Oh well,_ (fake groan)_ I suppose this is my chance to save the school, receive infinite amounts of points for Gryffindor shooting me to hero status and, of course, getting my name read out in assembly.

Voldemort: Oh shut up Potter, everyone knows you adore the attention and glory. Talking of attention, shouldn't your scar be hurting now?

Harry: Oh yeah, _(collapses on the floor) _Oh my scar! Oh the blinding pain of it all! My head…oh, I think I've gone blind!

Hermione: Ohh you poor soldier, do you want me to kiss it better…mwah…mwah

_(Proceeds to cover his whole forehead in 'cherry blossom' #21 lipstick)_

Harry: Oh for the love of…Gerroff, Christ, it doesn't hurt that much. It's a good thing you don't wear blue lip-gloss or I might have been mistaken for one of Boudicca's followers!

(AN: She was a zena-esque ancient warrior who's armies wore tons of blue war paint and very little else!)

Voldemort: Um…anyway, I shall proceed to transport you all now to my incredibly groovacious sauce pad…when you get there please take note of my new neon pink faux fur and inflatable seats in the shapes of objects that I'm not allowed to talk about on such a low story rating. Be prepared for wavy lines…

(wiggly squiggly zigzag lines fly everywhere)

…told you so.

Ginny: Oh god, talk about a hangover nightmare!

Ron: How-eth do you know-eth what a hangover feel-eth like-eth.

Ginny: It's a long story involving a lot of kangaroos on dope, a flying banana and hemaroids with hair and teeth _(collective shudder)_ i.e. I'll tell you later.

Hermione: Dear god, it's like a creepy mix of a hippie incense shop and Willy Wonker's chocolate factory!

Voldemort: Don't you adore it? I decorated it myself!

~

Well that's it folks for this chapter, I hope you liked it and if you leave me a nasty review, prepare to catch a nasty disease where rashes appear in places you never thought humainly possible.

Nice reviews however will get your name on my 'here be thanks' list! (I'm a nice person really!)

Thanks for reading.

xxx


	3. The Secret Life of Voldemort

**Author's note:  **Ready for chapter 2?  Thanks to everyone who reviewed, see the thanks list at the bottom!  Once again, don't have a spaz if people are a little ooc, this story is meant to be strange and if you don't find it funny then WHY ARE YOU READING CHAPTER 2????

**Disclaimer:  **I'm not JK, sadly (she's richer then the Queen…until tax time MWAHAHAHA!!) and don't own anything but the plot.  Ditto to J.R.R. Tolkien and that Mat guy who thought up the Simpsons!  DON'T SUE ME, I'm only 14!

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Ginny: Ok so lets get this straight…..we're trapped in your disturbing hippie, erm…

Voldemort:  SAUCE PAD!

Ginny: Fine, sauce pad whatever, for eternity and you're never letting us out!

Neville: But hang on Ginny, I really like it here!  Ok, when I first saw the life sized cardboard cut-outs of Britney Spears, Madonna, Professor Trelawney and the entire cast of Annie..

_(A/N: ahem!)_

…I was a little freaked out but I must say Voldemort's cool so it's ok!

Hermione: Erm Neville, lets get this straight, are my ears deceiving me or did you just say that the man who converted your parents into living vegetables with the shared iq of a demented chicken on a sugar high is cool?

Malfoy: Hey stop being so…um….categorising mudbood!

Ginny: Wow, that's a long word for someone who hasn't had a single English lesson in five years!

Malfoy:  Excuse me but are you calling me thick?

Ginny: What's 3 times 3?

Malfoy: 6. 8? Oh god I know this…10!

Harry: Its nine you moron.

Voldemort:  And you haven't seen the best bit yet….

_(A/N: ready for this?)_

… When I clap my hands…

_(clap)_

….a giant…..

(A/N: wait for it..)

……multicoloured……

(A/N: Dum dee dum dum dum..)

………sticky………

(A/N: God I've used a lot of full stops in this fic!)

………surprise……..

(A/N: Tee hee, I'm so annoying!)

…..apple tree springs out the ground!

_(A/N: Haha sorry for the letdown but I bet you weren't expecting that!)_

Harry: And that's the best thing?!?  God, I don't know why I'm even scared of you!  Hey, why is the apple tree covered in bubblegum?

Dean: So what's so special about this tree?

Voldemort: Well it can do lots of things, you can hug it if you want, go ahead, I would…. but I don't want to get my tye-dye cloak ruined…_(annoyingly lengthy pause)_….you can sing to it……

_(Legolas appears)_

Hermione: Wow check HIM out!  Sorry Harry but I've found my husband!

(Legolas starts skipping round like a pansy, singing a load of made up words and waving his bow round… A LOT!)

Legolas: Felshame dooersed… hey girls look at my HUGE bow!

Ginny: Back away slowly, don't make eye contact and it's all going to be fine….

Voldemort: But the best thing is it transports you to a surprise place!

Hermione:  Well anywhere's got to be better then this, shall we go?

Dean:…um well….

Malfoy:….erm….

Neville:…. My breath smells like cat food…

(A/N: sorry Simpson's fans but dig the resemblance!)

Harry: Ooooh, yeah yeah yeah!!!! There'll probably be a troll or a dragon or an insane anteater to slay and I'll become hero of the school….again!  Please, please, please! _(Does an almost prize winning impression of a four year old with a dried pea stuck up it's nose)_

Hermione: I'll come with you Harry, come on, let's go!

Ginny: Do you really think I'm that stupid?  This isn't a smut fic you know!  I'll come too!

Harry:  _(With a look of ecstatic delight) _Fine then, how does this thing work???

Voldemort: Potter, go grab a leaf, hop on one leg while singing a spice girl song…

(He does so, and looks VERY stupid)

Harry: _(after 5 minutes) _Hey, nothings happening!  

Malfoy:  Duh, I can't believe you fell for that!

Harry: What do you mean?  What am I doing wrong?

Voldemort: _(after almost peeing himself laughing (A/N: Does Voldemort pee???)) _All you have to do is touch some of the gum and sneeze!

Entire female population of Hogwarts: EEEEEW

(Harry does so VERY reluctantly and disappears. Hermione copies.)

Ginny: Hey!  Ron, what ARE you doing with the inflatable banana seat???????  Yuck, I'm telling mum!

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**Thanks for reading, chapter 3 will be up soon!  REVIEW!!!!!!**

**Thanks to:**

*Before I re-uploaded the fic*

Mary- My first review!!!

Jess

*Since re-upload*

Laterose – sorry about being a moody cow – How I wish I was you in aussie with the surfers instead of in england where on August 1st it is chucking it down with rain and is about 15 degrees!

Anya Wood- I am taking the fact you've got Crikey boy (see below) and Laterose as your favourite authors list but not me very personally!  

Callas-and-ivy

Kerbi

Sparrklez

Lord Bocktree- Crikey!

Eclipsed- sugar is good!

MacbethHamlet

HopelessRomantic Jenn

DavidCamp

StarWars-Freak

Le Pamplemousse

Shadow Katt

Padfoot the mst king- do you really think I'm that stupid????

Olean-Radcliffe- (^_^)

**I love you all!**


	4. Pointless, Yet Priceless

**A/N:** WEEEEEE I'M ON A SUGER HIGH!!! I SUDDENLY HAVE THE URGE TO YELL OUT POINTLESS SENTANCES AND SING DISNEY SONGS AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE!!! *Proceeds to do so, everyone is scared*

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T wear Laura Ashley clothes and would NEVER kill Sirius (or James for that matter) i.e. I'M NOT JK ROWLING!  (No offence, don't sue!)

Ditto to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tellitubbies. (damn, I just gave the plot away!)

**Anyway, Story time!!!  Are you sitting comfortably? **_(Original phrase or what!) _**Then I'll begin!** (Prepare yourself!)

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_Harry, Hermione, Ginny and Ron (somewhere behind them as it took a while to detach him from the banana) have found themselves in a very stereotypically random place which is probably illegal on FF.net but I'm 'Under the Influence of Sugar' so what the heck…Fabbitty Dabbity (screams of DIE!!! Are heard from studies, Internet cafes and rich peoples bedrooms all around the world)… ahem!_

**1. The Ominous, Portentous, Inauspicious Room.**

Ginny: What sort of subtitle do you call that???

Hemione: You do realise they all more or less mean the same thing don't you?

(AN: I JUST FOUND MY THESAURUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

*FF.net readers proceed to hit the 'Back' button*

Ginny: Go figure, so….. where are we now?

(AN: Well I've placed you in a…..)

Ron: _(speaks at 100 mph) _GREETINGS!!! It's me again… SHAKESPHERIAN ACTOR RON…. -ETH!!!!  And, for no apparent reason-eth, the AUTHOR has given-eth me SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Runs round Ginny 20 times, stands on his ear, gets his toe stuck up his nose and, all in all, looks rather silly)

(AN: Did I mention I'm on a sugar high!!!! HEEEEEEE HEEEEE!!!)

Readers: This is really starting to drag.

(AN: Your right!!!)

(Dobby appears)

*The few remaining readers loose all hope in life and run off to flush their heads down the loo. *

(AN: I feel like a crossover!)

(Gollum appears)

Dobby: Dobby likes Harry Potter!  Harry Potter is good to Dobby!  Dobby would do anything for Harry Potter!

(Continues to speak in 3rd person.  Everyone looses hope.)

Gollum: Dobby is (dramatic pause) my preciousssssssssssssss!

(Gollum winks at Dobby.  Dobby has a heart attack.)

(Saruman appears)

Saruman: I'm so sage I'm practically oregano!

Harry, Hermione, Ginny and Ron: DUMBLEDORE!  
Saruman: *blink*

(Legolas re-appears)

Legolas: The long white-ish blonde look is so in!

Readers: Ok ok, you've made your point!!! Can we get back to the story? Please!

(Tinky Winky appears)

*Readers proceed to smack their heads against the keyboard*

Legolas: WOW!!! You're a lot like me!

Readers: *blink*

Tinky Winky: (negative) Eeho.

Legolas: Well, we both speak a completely bullshit language….

Tinky Winky: (makes tubby custard)

*Readers are slightly disturbed by the author's wide knowledge of the Telly Tubbies*

Legolas: …We both live outside….

Tinky Winky: (holds up red handbag)

Legolas: Oh, and yeah, I'm gay!

Female Population of the world: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Legolas/Orlando Bloom followers hunt down the author and kill her)

Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron: HELLO?!?

(A/N: Oh yeah, sorry! You are in a wonderful, exciting and yet so real place, the…)

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**Well that's it!  Evil Cliffies 'r' us!**

**Don't worry, I'll update soon and tell you!**

**(^-^)**

**Sorry, no thanks list as I didn't get enough reviews.  Check last chapter's, I re-uploaded it!**

**See you soon!**

**XxX**


	5. Disturbing Crossovers ahoy!

**AN: **Aloha all, it's me again!  I apologise for last chapter, some of you liked it, some were just a little freaked out but I'm glad you all read and reviewed it!  Thanks List is yet again at the bottom!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own (ready for this?) Austin Powers, Lord of the Rings (for the subtitle only, sorry, no Legolas!), Peter Pan, My Little Pony, The Scooby Gang (jeepers!), Bob the Builder, Michael Jackson (phew), Brad Pitt *shakes fist at the clouds*, any thing to do with Star wars, Superman…. Oh yeah or Harry Potter! (The budget must have grown!)

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Part 2: The Many Meetings 

Well as we continue with the fic, our heroes are still in an unknown place having witnessed special guest appearances from Tinky Winky, Dobby and most of the LOTR cast…sadly there are more crossovers where that came from!

Ginny: In the name of all that is holy, funky or fruity smelling please, WHERE THE HELL ARE WE???

(AN: Ah, you're in…)

(Cue voice over)

Voldemort: Well my bedroom of course!  Did you really think you were getting away from me that easily? Now you're more trapped then before… MWAHAHAHA!! *Cough* Damn, I just ruined my dramatic moment.

(He appears with half of Hogwarts.  Hermione smacks her head against the wall.  Harry seems to have disappeared.)

(Cue lights)

Ginny: Well we'd never have known.

The room is even more Austin Powers-esque then the last even down to the rollerblading Swedish guy in the gold-larme jumpsuit! (If you haven't seen the Austin Powers 3, many apologies!)

Voldemort: Don't you love it?  Don't you want to hold it, caress it, convert to homosexuality and scream at the top of your lungs "OH HONEY IT'S JUST _SO _FABULOUS!!!"?

Malfoy: OH YES! I love it!  I want to be just like you Voldemort! PURLEASE, take me in under your expansive cloak and show me the REAL you!

(AN: EEW, sorry for the mental picture there folks, spur of the moment thing!)

Pansy: OOOOH ME TOO!

Crabbe: ME!

Goyle: Uh, oh yeah, me too.

Hermione: This could get interesting…

(Suddenly everyone looks up.  There, flying… well interestingly under a gigantic ceiling mural capturing 'My Little Pony's Rainbow House' flies our hero who has somehow managed to find himself a pair of green tights…)

Harry: AHEM!  NEVER FEAR, I AM HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD….again.

(He swoops down and attempting to grab Voldemort's wand accidentally peels off his face!)

Entire Student Population Of Hogwarts (E.S.P.O.H): !!!!!

Scooby gang: JEEPERS!  The crazy hippie wizard was actually old man Williams the butler!

Yet again E.S.P.O.H: ?????

Hermione: Wait a minute….

(Peels face off again)

Scooby gang: Bob the Builder???

(Rips off face)

Scooby Gang: Michael Jackson!

E.S.P.O.H:(Screams of terror) OH MY GOD!!!

(Rips off face)

Scooby gang: Brad Pitt?

(The female pupils pass out, the guys suddenly feel very self-conscious)

(Rips off face)

Harry: Voldemort!!! Why the hell were you wearing so many masks???

Voldemort: It keeps my non-existent face supple!  Anyway, I have something to tell you… a prophecy lets say, and it'll alter you life FOREVER!!!

Harry: Yeah, I know, I'm the only one that can kill you… riveting stuff; even heir of Gryffindor would have been more exciting!

Voldemort: Oh, well yeah, damn.  I've been working up to that ever since you were born.

Harry: Sorry.

Voldemort: 's ok.  Anyway, there's something else….

………….

………….

………….

………….

I am your father!

(AN: Clichés rule!)

Harry: What!  No your not! James Potter is! Duh.

Voldemort: Yeah, I know, but it caught you off guard and gave me enough time to stick a stick of kryptonite in you ear! MWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Harry: Dude, I'm not superman!

Voldemort: Damn!  Stupid 'Guide to the Heroes of the Universe.'  That's what you get when you order something off eBay.

Harry: Can I kill you now… please???

Voldemort:  No, but we can have a fight to fill pages!

(AN:  I'm just too darn lazy to write one!  Basically, in a lesser spotter blue kestrel's egg shell, they battled and Harry's novice magic was enough to beat Voldemort's- the most powerful wizard ever, and he disappears… everyone has a party thinking he's dead, yet he returns, or otherwise I'd have nothing to write about (and in JK's case she'd stop earning billions and would watch the tax collector make her poorer then the Queen, tough world!)

Herm: Right, so now we're stuck in Voldemort's hippie lair… how are we going to get out?

Malfoy: Isn't that a port key to some other unknown land in the corner of the room? Shucks, if only we'd seen that earlier!

(AN: Don't ya just want to kill him?!?)

They travel through it, Ginny asks yet again 'Where are we' and that's the end of chapter 4!!!

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**Well that's chapter 4!  If the characters are Ooc… well duh!**

**Thanks list!**

Anya Wood (^-^)

Le Pamplemousse: The GRAPEFRUIT???!!!???  Funky name… I think!

FreaktheMighty

**3 REVIEWS!!!!!**

**Hell, what's the point???**

**xxxx**


	6. Dumbledore, oh how his eyes sparkle!

**AN: **A well writers block is slowly decapitating me I'm afraid so I decided to throw out this tiny chapter!  Hope it's ok.

**Dedicated to:** Laterose!!!  Happy?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.  Damn. (Besides, if I really was Jk and this rubbish was posted then not only would I mutate into duck billed platypus in shock, but I would be having serious doubts unto the sanity of the publishers)

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However, back at Hogwarts 

(The entire teaching body of Hogwarts is standing on the platform at Hogsmead station.  It's pitch black at raining oh so characteristically.  However, the teachers don't need to use their wands to generate light as Dumbledore's impressive eye-twinkling action is doing it for them.  Sparkly)

Snape:  Really Professor, how the HELL do you get your eyes to sparkle like that?

McGonagall: Cor, if you stuck a power plant on your head you'd be a billionaire! 

Dumbledore: Well, you know, it's a perk of the job!  Live in the castle, travel anywhere for free, generate electricity, it's all the same.

Flitwick:  Um, don't you think we should be worried about un-arrival of the Hogwarts Express?  I mean, whose idea was it, putting the ENTIRE school on a train with no teachers?

Dumbledore: I feel we have nothing to worry about, I mean Harry Potter is on the train, and so lets go and be completely out of character for no apparent reason.  I just bought a wizards monopoly board!  Fab.

McGonagall: Yes, lets do that.

(_They skip happily off into the distance)_

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There you go everybody, I just re-uploaded because I totally forgot to do a thanks list, doh!

**Here be thanks….**

**La Pamplemousse**- hehe thanks, oh and your name has helped ME in french too because I needed a fruit for a test and what appeared into my head first???? GRAPEFRUIT!

**Fiffer**- Moshi on, my dear friend, Moshi on.

**Katia- **Hey, Legolas rules, ok?!?

**Laterose- **Hope all is well in freaky possum world, Britain sucks, it was 1 degree this morning, **1 DEGREE!!!**

**Eilonwy, Princess- ***coughcoughthankyouforthereviewcough* Hum, cough is spelt strangely isn't it… C O U G H.  Weird.

**Anya Wood- **Ah my dear friend, what would life be without you using my reviews as a means of communication and advertising without mentioning my story?  I'll tell you what, a sad world indeed.  Hehe, love you really. J

**Citcat299-** And your sense of humor is fab too my aussie friends friend!  Possums heh?  How bizarre.

There you go, until next chapter!  

Love TSL x


	7. MarySue bring on the cliche!

AN: Yes, I'm back, this chapter….. well, wait and see!

Disclaimer: No, I'm not JK, duh.

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Harry: I'M SICK TO DEATH OF FLOATING AROUND CYBERSPACE, LET ME GO HOME!

Hermione: Harry, you really should see someone about managing your anger!

Harry:  WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M A SPASTIC HAIRED, GLASSES WEARING ORPHAN AND I DIDN'T GET A GIRLFRIEND UNTIL I WAS 15!

Hermione: Yeah yeah, we know.

Harry: WELL I'M JUST SOOOOO LONELY!  (_smashes head against imaginary cupboard door)_

Author:  Ah well it's obvious what can solve that…….

(Cue annoyingly good looking/funny/smart/sporty/blonde/Mary Sue cheerleader with the added bonus of having an interesting accent)

Mary Sue: Weill Heillo Eveirybodie!  My Naime is….. Kalistabelle Mariadne Isabella Banana-Smoothie Rainbow Mushroom Princess Jasmine Xylophone Dumbledorian Decaloriac Riddle-me-timbers Potting Shed Hydrochloride Sulphate Smeg-alo!  Pleised to meit you.

Anyone still reading: *blink*

Mary Sue: Why yeis, I am the illegal offspring of Severus Snape and a camel, Voldemort's sister's cousin's daughter's house elf's niece twice removed, the true heir of Gryffindor, granddaughter of a part veela, part blue tit and I also take part in Professor Trelawny's occasional lesbian romp!  Weill isn't liefe fun!

*Readers are starting to get very annoyed by her part Finnish, part Mrs Doubtfire accent. Harry, Ron, Malfoy and the rest of Hogwarts' male student body, however, proceed to fall desperately in love with her and try to kill each other as an outlet for their typically over-the-top hormones*

Ginny:  Well isn't this just great, the boys have all fallen head-over-heels in love with a bimbo who, undoubtedly, will turn out to be one of Voldemort's henchmen slash undercover spy!  Hermione and I are Hogwart's only hope, and we shall save the school……..once I've finished manufacturing a gigantic ball of twine.

Hermione: Ooooh, let me help!

Readers: Noooo, you must save the school so that we can go and eat our tea with a sense of happiness and well being!

(Mary Sue begins her mating ritual, beginning with the world renounded gorilla dance / hula competition.  The boy's jaws drop in a sort of Finding Nemo / 'Im hungry, let's eat some flies' fashion.)

Hermione:  Ooh, here the twine fades from beige to browny-beige!  How exciting!

Readers:  Goddamn you!

(Mary Sue has now managed to somehow adorn a very revealing cheerleader outfit and is doing a pro-Voldemort cheer)

Mary Sue: Voldemort,

                   He's the best,

                  If you like him

                  I'll undress!

*Author is very impressed by her fluky talent of writing god awful cheers*

Male percentage of Hogwarts: Voldemort! Voldemort!

Hermione: And now it fades back to beige!  Gosh.

Readers:  Please!

Ginny: We should really do something….

Hermione: Yeah, I know.

(Hermione picks up the giant ball of twine and lobs it at Mary Sue's perfect face.)

Mary Sue:  Miey face!  My beauteiful face!  (produces a mirror and studies the slight blemish on her nose) I'm HIEDIOUS!  (The boys snap out of their trances)

Harry:  Hey, what just happened?  Why can't I remember anything in the past 10 minutes?

Ginny:  Blame blondie.

Hermione: Let's unite and kill her!

*Reader's blink at Hermione's sudden out of character psychotic moment*

Ginny: OK!

(They kill her, it isn't pretty.  It's a mini adventure*.) 

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*Apologies if you are lost, it's on an advert for mini's, enough said.

**Here be thanks:**

Citcat299

Laterose: good to see you liked Dumbledore's bits! (Sorry, just had to make that public)

Slytherinspirit

Le Pamplemousse: GRAPEFRUIT!!!!  All hail the grapefruit god!

Thom Verdace: Quite.

Until Next time my friends!

TSL x


	8. Dear Diary 1

**Authors Note:** On recent surfing of the Hp fandom I came to notice just how many coughbadlywrittencough character diaries were springing up…….if you wrote one- don't read this and/or flame me, or prepare to feel the wroth of my evil karma!It's a kind of make your own fic as you can choose what each person is talking about!!!  Enjoy!

**Disclaimer**: Ha, I wish.

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Hermione's Diary 

13th Oct 

Dear Diary….

Oh how I love **Ron/Harry/Malfoy/Victor/Umbridge/Scabbers/the Whomping Willow Tree**!  Today, I uncharacteristically bunked of Potions and went and **met/groped/gave a pumpkin pastry to** them by the **pond/3rd floor lavatory**, gosh it was fun.  But the problem is now I have mixed feeling about them and don't know how to act when they're around!  Help!

 14th Oct 

Dearest Diary….

I just had the strangest dream!

**Neville/Hagrid/Harry's Aunt/A pumpkin pastry** transfigured into Lord Voldemort!  This is odd because they lack **much/any** magical talent!  What does it mean?

15th Oct

My closest, bestest diary friend….

Oh my, you'll never guess what Harry just told me!  He realised that **Neville/Hagrid/Harry's Aunt/A pumpkin pastry **has been **brainwashed/eaten **by Lord Voldemort!  I must go to the library to **research/act smart/eat a pumpkin pastry/kill the librarian **immediately!

Also, my feelings for **Ron/Harry/Malfoy/Victor/Umbridge/Scabbers/the Whomping Willow Tree **are getting worse!  Today they **hugged Ginny/picked their nose/hit a first year **and my heart lept!  Please diary, tell me what to do!

16th Oct

Oh dearest diary…

I have just realised I am obsessed with **Neville/Hagrid/Harry's Aunt/A pumpkin pastry!!!  **This goes beyond my admiration for **Ron/Harry/Malfoy/Victor/**

**Umbridge/Scabbers/the Whomping Willow Tree!  **

I went to the library and found that Harry's right about Voldemort!  My question is** Why?/When?/Where?/How does he eat without a face?/Do ants have cable?**  Shall have to discuss this tomorrow with Harry.

17th Oct

Diary, fairest of them all….

While in **lunch/the common room/the Whomping willow tree/A pumpkin pastry **talking to Harry, I saw** Ron/Harry/Malfoy/Victor/Umbridge/Scabbers/the Whomping Willow Tree **with **Pansy/Dumbledore/Snape/Cho **and I'm so jealous.  The **angst/lunch** is rising inside of me.  I'm on my way up to the owlery to **write home/kill myself/convert to Islam**….. I may be some time.

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Harry's Diary 

****

Dear diary….

It has been 3 days since **Sirius died/Cho kissed me/My name got mentioned in assembly/I ate a pumpkin pastry **and the sadness is unbearable. Why did I do what I did?  Why?

Hermione has been acting oddly, the other day she bunked out of Potions.  I have a odd feeling she is **eating pumpkin pastries/worshipping the grapefruit god/kissing Ron/romping behind the Whomping Willow tree/being possessed by Voldemort** and I don't know what to do!  Ron isn't helping the matter by being obsessed by **Quiddich/Scabbers/Neville. **Help!

Diary…

I feel like I'm being **watched/possessed/subconsciously trodden on/eaten **and it's scaring me.  **Cho/Dumbledore/Hermione/Neville **always seems to be around…. I think they want to **kiss me/give me a medal/eat **me and I don't know what to do!  

Sometimes being **a boy hero/15/a geek/subconsciously trodden on **is painful and I just want to **die/kiss Cho/eat a pumpkin pastry/become heir of Gryffindor/find out what heir of Gryffindor is!**

Harry.

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Would write more but am lacking time, if the reviews are good I'll write more!

**Thanks to:**

Laterose – having never met a cheerleader I can'thate them, but….

La Pamplemousse – notice anything remotely involving grapefruits?

Citcat299 – :op

The Rodent Queen 

Thank you for your time 

The Social Leper


	9. Dear Diary 2

**AN:** Am absolutely flattered with the response to the last chapter…. Eighteen reviews in a night?!?  Anyway, have decided to make the most of this and update as have nothing better to do and/or my sole friend isn't replying to my texts….sob…..(ahem, well my closest friend anyway, you know who you are!!!)

**Dedicated to- **Le Pamplemousse- GRAPEFRUIT!

**Disclaimer:** I have to go to school, JK is about 30, and I get the feeling she wasn't held back 16 years!

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Ron's Diary

Diary…

Oh my undying love for **Quiddich/Hermione/Harry/Trewlany/Pumpkin pastrys **grows stronger day by day!  Oh how I want to **play/kiss/eat **them….

Harry has just told me about the impending danger of **Neville/Hagrid/Harry's Aunt/A pumpkin pastry **being **brainwashed/eaten **by Lord Voldemort!  Hermione has gone to the **library/toilet **to do some research, but I fear she is meeting **Harry/Malfoy/Victor/Umbridge/Scabbers/the Whomping Willow Tree! **Help!

Diary….

Oh my…. **Cho/Ginny/Malfoy/Hagrid/a pumpkin pastry **just **kissed/ate **me….but what do I do about my undying love for **Quiddich/Hermione/Harry/Trewlany???**

Also, today when I went to **potions/the toilet/the Whomping Willow tree **I saw **them/Snape in women's clothing/Lord Voldemort/Harry being subconsciously trodden on **and I didn't know how to act!  Harry keeps muttering about **Cho/Dumbledore/Hermione/Neville** stalking him!  Don't know what that is about!?

Diary…..

Just saw **Harry/McGonagall/Snape **go into a cupboard with **Hermione/Cho/Hagrid/Dumbledore/a grapefruit/a pumpkin pastry **but I don't think they know that I **saw them/followed them in/went to the toilet**!  Who should I tell?

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Malfoy's Diary

Diary….

Oh I must confess; I love **Pansy/Hermione/Snape/Crabbe/Goyle/Lord Voldemort/My little toe**…all I want to do is **hug/kiss/put nail varnish on **them…yet separating them from their friends seems impossible without **cornering them/worshipping them/putting on a toe separator! **

Also, have joined **the young death eaters club/incest united/the hair gel lovers group/my butt to a chair** and spent most of this morning in the **owlery/toilet** because I **had to send a letter/ate some dodgy Shepard's pie last night/kissed Snape….**

Diary….

Something very funny just happened… **Crabbe/Harry/Hagrid/a pumpkin pastry** was just **kissed/subconsciously trodden on/eaten **by **Hermione/Pansy/Umbridge/Ron's pet rat!  **I laughed so hard my **head/spoon/nose/little toe **nearly **bent/exploded/sprayed snot on Goyle!**  I love **being in Slytherin/me/going to the toilet/incest. **It's SO much fun!

Diary…

Urg, just had **Care of Magical Creatures/a bogie explosion/a brainwave/a gone-off pumpkin pastry!  **I suddenly realise my hatred for **Harry/Hagrid/noses/muggles/pumpkin/transvestites**, though I still adore **Pansy/Hermione/Snape/Crabbe/Goyle/Lord Voldemort/My little toe **and love **the dark side/snakes/hair gel/playing with my 'wand'.**

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That's about all for today I'm afraid!  If the reviews are good I'll do Ginny's…any other requests/things you want to appear???

**Thanks to:**

Sweet775

La Pamplemousse- You have possibly the greatest penname in this entire fandom; am in awe.

Privateye13

Slytheringirl560

Melody

Daintress

Squirrelbladder-interesting name!!! :oP

HPROXMYSOX- what the hell does ROFLMAO mean??? Rolling on floor laughing my arse off is my guess!  :o)

Wallie- :o)

Iminapie- kumquats….quite

Teddi

SuperStar7286

Glauificus

**Evil Karma and one hundred evil biting aids ridden monkeys to:**

Linda- can you?

Ahem, anyway, THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!  You guys rule!  

Love The (very happy) Social Leper 


	10. Hermione and The Future Bwah

**Authors Note: **Cheep!  'Lo ALL!  Yes, SO sorry 'bout the wait, have been weighed down with schoolwork so much so that I now look like Dr Evil.  And speak like Elmo.  Unusual combination I know, mostly because I am female.  Anyway, complete change from last chapter back onto the main sarcasm river.  Have created diary fic for all those who found it amiable.  Though no new chapters have been uploaded yet.  Aren't I annoying.  

So, in the following chapter I mostly take the Mickey Mouse out of Hermione.  Hope you all like.  If you don't then it's your loss.  That is all.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter and don't mean any offence by anything I write.  Mostly because I am poor and don't want to be sued.  Or because I am a Scaredy cat.  Either way, I'm sorry. 

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Hermione:  Waa I'm SO ugly!!!  *sobs dramatically*

~**Reader** is supposed to feel sorry for her, but for some reason unknown to the **author**, this is impossible. ~

Ron:  Oh Come on-eth Hermione-eth, thou is not-eth ugly…-eth!

~**Everyone **hails the return of **Shakespearian Actor Ron!** ~

Ginny: Ron, stop talking like a prick.

Reader: Shut up, it's amusing. 

~**Ginny** is pummelled with cyber-spam.  This is funny as she is a **Fictional Character.** ~

Harry:  Er Hermione, we were talking about ME!  Can we PLEASE get back to that topic as I feel the prospect of talking about anything else but me dire and drab and other words beginning with d.

Ginny: Shut up.

Hermione:  But look at me!  Look at my frizzy hair!  If I had glasses I'd be officially a certified geek!

Author:  HEY!  Glasses do NOT make someone a geek!

~**Author's friend** takes this opportunity to cough.  A LOT. ~

~**Readers** are baffled that someone with the name '**The Social Leper**' has a **friend~**

~The **Author **reassures the **Readers** that this is in fact her **Imaginary friend Philoopilah** who should stay in the Airing Cupboard. ~

~This makes sense.  The **Reader **nods.  All is well. ~

Harry:  ANYWAY…Duh, glasses make you a geek!  Really Hermione, take a look in the mirror some time!

Ginny: Er Harry?  Don't you wear glasses?

Harry: *long pause* Dammit!

~

Ginny: Hum…I wonder what the world would be like if Hermione was pretty…*Hermione wails louder*…much more exciting then 'Mickey Mouse's Magical Adventures Shopping In Tescos', non?

~Weird wavy lines fill the screen.  For some reason, nobody is worried.  Oh well…~

Hermione:  HI!  

~**Hermione** looks like **Britney's** twin.  The boys blink like startled dears.  The girls all congregate in a corner to bitch about the new competition. ~

Hermione: Shall I sing y'all a song?  

~**Hermione** bursts into the chorus of **Annie**.  However, she keeps the bursting to a minimum as that would be painful and would create a mess. ~

Ginny:  Er, what's with her Texan accent?

Author: I love accents.

Ron: Loser-eth.

Everyone: SHUT UP!

~If this were an episode of **Sabrina**, everyone would start dancing.  But it isn't.  And the **Author **is a spoilsport.  So we return to normality. Kind of….~

~

Ginny:  Well that was certainly surreal.

Hermione: I'm ugly again!  *Cries louder* I'll be alone forever.

~**Malfoy** appears~

Malfoy: Don't worry Hermione, I'll take you into my intestinal chamber and worship you like you deserve.

Reader:  Intestinal???  Squee!

Malfoy: Dammit, NO, INCESTIAL!  Author- I hate you!

Hermione:  Eeew, Malfoy you twat, we're not related!  

Reader:  Erm, Author?  I thought they were archenemies in the first chapter?  

Author:  Aw come on, this is so much more interesting.

Reader: *raises eyebrow.  This is hard as is merely a few pixels* If you say so…

Author: Ok then, we'll have another random cut scene…. 

~

~Funky doodley wavy lines.  **Author **does '**Wayne's World'**-esq arm movements.  This is highly amusing. ~

Author:  Welcome everyone, to the FUTURE!  BWAHAHAHA!

Ginny:  Wha?

Harry:  Hello everyone, I am 'Investment Banker Harry Potter.'

~This is funny as it is impossible as he is **famous**.  And a **wizard**.  And a **Fictional** **Character**.  Bwah.~****

*Hermione walks into the Norwich Branch of HSBC*

Hermione:  Yes, I'd like to make a transaction please.

Reader: *blinks*

Harry:  Sure.  And your name is?

Hermione: Hermione Granger.

Harry:  *blinks* Hermione?

Hermione:  Yes.  Hermione Granger.

Harry:  Hermione???

Hermione: YES sir, my name is HERMIONE GRANGER and I would like to make a transaction please!  Geez!

~By this point, **anyone** with half a brain has hit the 'Back' button. ~

Harry:  Don't you remember me?  It's me…. Harry.

Hermione:  Harry?

Harry: Yes, It's me…. Harry.

~The **Reader** is getting annoyed.  However, it is still rather amusing.~

Hermione: Wow, you've changed.

Harry:  Yeah, so do you want to go for a drink?

Hermione: OK!

~They go off, have a drink and fly off to **Las Vegas** and get married.  Obviously **Hermione** has '**Britney** blood' inside her.  Author is not sure if this is a good thing or not. ~

~More wiggly lines. ~

~

Hermione:  Soooo…that's all a load of **Dromedary camel** poo is it not?  I mean, JK would SO never do that to us, the **Readers** or the **Queen**!

Author:  Well, you'll just have to wait and see!  *Laughs***  ***falls of chair*

~Readers search the Internet for a suitable virus to send the Author.  Squee. ~

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So that is all.  Slightly more vindictive then usual, but who's complaining?

**Here Be Thanks:**

Laterose: *waves*

MoonGoddess25

HPROXMYSOX

IdoNotLookLikeALeprachaun

Muskrat

La Pamplemousse

Moon_Girl

Glaurificus: Wow!  Cool, sure you can!  *smiles*

Token

HPROXMYSOX

StrangeOne

Wiccagirl13

Killer-the-cat

VietNaMaEnglish: *blinks*  You feel like a retarded 5 year old? *smiles*  I AM that 5 year old.  Seriously, I have some annoyingly random ability to laugh none stop through a 40min lesson after just 5 polos!  The glucose is GOOD!  I apologise if I'm scaring you.  Am on a suga high.

SecretDestiny13

Citcat299: *waves* Greetings viki's friend!  

That is all.

XxX

:op


	11. Slash and Shipping 101

**AN**- Right, no idea how this will turn out.  Just decided to write up the next chapter and have no plan.  It could be interesting!

**Disclaimer**- Me no Jk kaput.  Oui.

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~In a room in Hogwarts that no one knew was there before and just miraculously appeared fully equipped for this chapter, a class is assembling~

Snape- Hello pupils.  I am the teacher of this new class as it means the plot can be thickened by my occasional romps with an unusual character.

McGonagall- Yes, and I'm here too.  *waves*

Reader- Yawn, get on with it.

Snape- Ok ok.  So, this class is new to the Hogwarts curriculum.  It is called…..*dramatic silence* ……. Slash and Ships 101!

Reader- *raises eyebrow in comical fashion*

McGonagall- Yes, so in case you haven't already twigged, this class has been purposely pre-planned so that ….. *another dramatic pause* THE AUTHOR …….. can pair you all up in whatever way she wants.

Hermione- *Has minor hernia waving hand in air trying to get attention.  This isn't pretty as involves quite a bit of straining*  
Snape- What is it Miss Granger…!?

Hermione- *speaks like a stereotypical English public school girl.  This annoys all females who actually go to English public schools and do not speak like they have a dried pea wedged up one nostril*  I for one do not see how this monstrosity of an excuse for a class fits in with our R.A.N.D.O.M. B.I.R.D. timetable.  I want to stage a protest.  *looks all-knowing*

Snape- *using the 'ignore' function of his oh-so-evil brain*  So, now for the pair up.  I want each of you to find a partner….or more if you like it like that….and go 'amuse yourselves' *further eyebrow wiggling action* as you find necessary.  Homosexuality and lesbianism is welcomed.  Go forth….

~At this point the author goes crazy with manic shipping and slashing.  It is all completely unrealistic and somewhat disgusting.  The readers love it~

Snape- *having to yell above the love calls of not only Wizards but the entire crop of Hagrid's vegetable patch and Snape boggart (whom real Snape is being molested by) to name just a few*  Ah, one thing I so nicely forgot to tell you…. In the wizarding kingdom, it isn't just the female humans that can give birth…….*haunting look*……EVERYONE can!!!!  Bwahahahahaaaaa.

Class- *looks at one another*.  …Shit…..

~9 months to the day later~

Madam Pomfrey- Ah…

~Babies overrun Hogwarts.  The halls are lined with sick and other unidentified-faeces-like-objects.~ 

Dumbledore- I think we should start a Hogwarts pre-school!    
~The logistics of this seem not to bother the author.  It's all for the best.~

*cue pleasant music*

Voiceover- So welcome to Hogwarts pre-school and it's another day in the playground!  Over by the sand pit, little Longbottom-Granger is playing with the bucket and spade whilst Snape-Zabini jnr. throws sand at him.  Over by the swing, young Granger-Chang-Mary-Sue is the object of everyone's affections, especially the 'King of the playground': Potter-Weasley.  Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle-Snape-And-Any-Other-Evil-People-In-The-Vicinity is bullying Hagrid-Skrewt, Peeves-Nearly-Headless-Nick-Moaning-Myrtle and Pumpkin-Beetroot-Malfoy-Junior-Malfoy-Senior-Skunk.  It's a magical place, non?

Reader-I'm confused

Author- Me too, me too.  *runs off for a glass of water to sooth aching head*

~*~

**AN**- RIGHT- have notaclue where THAT came from.  *is worried*

**Here be thanks:**

Citcat299

MoonGoddess25

Glauificus- oooh please do forward the chapter!  If there's one thing I love (apart from Crunchy Nut Cornflakes of course) its perverted/mangled/Rambaldifyed parodies!  Why else would I write them?

SecretDestiny13

La Pamplemousse

Run and hide

LesMisLoony

Laterose- *waves*

Claire Rickman Snape

Merci buckets.  XD


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